The Zeigarnik Effect: A Psychological Explanation for Struggling to Let Go of Toxic Relationships

Human beings are wired to remember incomplete tasks more vividly than completed ones. This psychological phenomenon is known as the Zeigarnik Effect, named after Bluma Zeigarnik, a Soviet psychologist and psychiatrist who first observed it in the 1920s.

Zeigarnik noticed that waiters could recall orders more accurately when they were still in progress, but once the bill was paid and the order completed, their memory of the details quickly faded. Her further studies confirmed that people tend to remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than those that are finished.

The Zeigarnik Effect in Human Relationships

More profoundly, the Zeigarnik Effect can explain some of the emotional entanglements people experience in toxic or unfulfilling relationships.

Unfinished emotional experiences often manifest as unresolved loops in the mind. For instance, individuals may find it difficult to forget a toxic ex-partner—not necessarily because the relationship was healthy or fulfilling, but because it never felt complete. There was no emotional closure, no proper resolution, and the mind continues to return to it in an attempt to make sense of it or “finish” the emotional storyline.

Similarly, people who experienced abusive or neglectful childhoods may unconsciously seek out partners who resemble their abusive caregivers. Psychologically, this may be an attempt to “complete” the emotional narrative—hoping that if they can finally win love, respect, or approval from someone who mimics their past abuser, they’ll retroactively heal the wounds of their early experiences. The subconscious mind is trying to resolve unfinished emotional business.

How the Zeigarnik Effect Works

When we start something—a task, a conversation, a relationship—but don’t bring it to completion, our minds keep it active in our memory. This mental tension, or cognitive dissonance, keeps the task ‘open’ in our minds, urging us to return and finish what we started. Even when we move on to other activities, intrusive thoughts about the incomplete task can persist. This is the mind’s way of nudging us toward resolution.

This effect explains why:

• You can’t stop thinking about a suspenseful novel you haven’t finished.

• A video game left midway keeps calling you back.

• You feel compelled to return to a TV show after a cliffhanger episode.

TO CONCLUDE

The Zeigarnik Effect teaches us that the human brain craves closure. Whether it’s a minor task, a broken relationship, or a lifelong pattern, the mind seeks to complete what’s unfinished. Recognizing this can help us understand our own behaviors—why we ruminate, why we chase the past, and why we sometimes repeat harmful patterns in search of resolution.

By becoming aware of these unconscious drives, we can begin to make more conscious choices—seeking true healing rather than re-entering old cycles, and learning to find closure not in repeating the past, but in understanding and releasing it.