Toxic Empathy: When Understanding Hurts You

Have you ever found yourself deeply hurt by someone’s actions, yet unable to hold them accountable—because you understand where they’re coming from?

Maybe it’s a partner who lashes out because they’re dealing with unhealed trauma. Or a friend who constantly takes from you emotionally but “has no one else to turn to.” You know their pain. You see their struggle. So you justify their behavior, even when it hurts you.

This is what’s known as toxic empathy.

What is Toxic Empathy?

Toxic empathy is when your emotional understanding of someone else becomes a trap. It’s when your compassion overrides your boundaries. You become so attuned to their suffering that you silence your own. You rationalize harmful behavior in the name of kindness. But in doing so, you abandon yourself.

Empathy in itself is not the problem. Empathy is a beautiful, necessary human quality—it allows us to connect, support, and heal together. But when empathy becomes self-erasure, it turns toxic.

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Toxic Empathy

• You constantly excuse someone’s behavior because of their past.
• You feel guilty for feeling hurt, because “they didn’t mean it.”
• You neglect your own needs to keep the peace or protect their feelings.
• You stay silent about your pain because you’re afraid it will make them feel worse.
• You carry their emotions as your own—while yours go unaddressed.

Why Do We Fall Into This Pattern?

Toxic empathy often stems from high emotional intelligence combined with low boundaries. People who are naturally nurturing, sensitive, or trauma-informed are particularly vulnerable. If you’ve been taught to prioritize others, or feel responsible for their emotions, it becomes second nature to absorb their pain—and minimize your own.

You might also fear being “unfair” or “unkind” by pointing out how someone hurt you. But empathy without boundaries isn’t fairness—it’s self-neglect.

What Can You Do About It?

1. Acknowledge the Hurt: Your feelings are valid—even if the other person is struggling. Compassion and accountability can coexist.
2. Separate Understanding from Justifying: You can understand why someone behaves a certain way without accepting it as okay.
3. Practice Boundaried Empathy: Offer support without abandoning yourself. Set limits. Speak up. Take space when needed.
4. Ask: Would I Accept This From Someone I Don’t Feel Sorry For? This question can help you recognize when pity is clouding your judgment.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Matter: Your emotional well-being is just as important as anyone else’s. You’re not selfish for protecting it.

Final Thoughts

Toxic empathy can feel noble—like you’re being the bigger person. But true empathy doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself. Healthy compassion includes you too.

It’s okay to love people and still say, “This behavior hurts me.”

It’s okay to understand someone and still choose to walk away.

It’s okay to care—but care for yourself just as deeply.