Emotional Backdraft in Therapy

When someone has been exposed to a lifetime of criticism, insults, or constant negative feedback—especially about their thoughts, feelings, or behavior—it can profoundly shape their inner world. Over time, that external judgment becomes internalized.

Instead of just hearing critical voices from others, they start to echo inside. This leads to heightened self-criticism, where even normal emotions like sadness, frustration, or vulnerability are treated as flaws or weaknesses.

In such a mindset, when negative emotions arise, the instinct is often to minimize, dismiss, or shame oneself for having them at all. You may hear yourself think things like “I shouldn’t feel this way,” “What’s wrong with me?” or “Just get over it.” This creates a psychological environment where painful emotions are repressed, buried deep down because they’ve been labeled as “bad” or “unacceptable.”

Over time, these suppressed emotions can create a sense of emotional numbness, disconnection, or a vague inner emptiness—because you’re not allowing yourself to truly feel or process your experiences.

Therapy often begins by gently disrupting this harmful cycle. One of the first things you’re encouraged to do in a therapeutic setting is to reduce self-criticism and begin cultivating self-compassion.

This doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is okay—it means responding to your own pain and imperfection with the same care, patience, and understanding you might offer a friend. It’s about building a new inner voice that nurtures rather than judges.

However, this shift isn’t always immediately comforting. In fact, it can feel quite unsettling at first. When we start to treat ourselves with kindness and care—especially if we’ve never done so before—it can bring to the surface painful memories from times when we weren’t treated with that same love and acceptance. This can trigger a rush of old emotions: grief, anger, shame, sadness, and longing, all bubbling up after being buried for years.

This phenomenon is known as emotional backdraft, a term borrowed from firefighting. Just like how opening a door in a smoke-filled room can cause a sudden burst of flame, opening the heart after long emotional suppression can cause an emotional flare-up.

It’s not that self-compassion is causing the pain—it’s simply uncovering what’s already there, waiting to be felt and healed. It’s the heart finally saying: Now that it’s safe, can we feel this? Can we heal this?

For many, this can be a confusing and even frightening part of healing. You might think, “Why do I feel worse now that I’m trying to be kind to myself?” But this isn’t regression—it’s progress. Those difficult feelings are not a sign that something is going wrong, but rather that you’re finally allowing your authentic emotional experience to be seen and acknowledged. You’re no longer pushing it down or pretending it doesn’t exist. You’re making space for the parts of yourself that have long been ignored.

By continuing to meet these feelings with gentleness and acceptance, they begin to lose their grip. Slowly, the emotional wounds soften and begin to transform. What was once hidden in shame begins to be integrated into your story with compassion. You begin to feel more whole, more connected to yourself, and more at peace.

Self-compassion, then, is not just a nice idea—it’s a deeply courageous act. It invites healing not by erasing pain, but by holding it tenderly. It allows us to finally say to ourselves: You are enough. Even with all your pain, even with all your past, you are worthy of love and kindness—especially from yourself.