Commitment Phobia: Why the Next Step Feels So Scary

Imagine you’re in a committed relationship with someone who is kind, reliable, and genuinely wants a future with you.

You’ve been together for a couple of years, and now conversations about getting engaged or moving in together are starting to come up more often.

On paper, everything looks good—your friends and family like your partner, and there’s no obvious red flag in the relationship. But every time the topic of taking that next step comes up, a wave of anxiety hits you.

Your chest tightens. Your thoughts spiral. You start questioning everything:

• “Am I really ready for this?”
• “What if I make a mistake I can’t undo?”
• “What if I feel trapped later and can’t get out?”
• “Is this even what I want—or just what I think I’m supposed to want?”

These thoughts don’t just cause a little worry—they can lead to sleepless nights, a racing heart, or a sense of dread that’s hard to explain. You try to brush it off, telling yourself it’s normal to be nervous. But the anxiety doesn’t go away.

So, you start wondering: Maybe I’m not meant to be in this relationship. But even imagining a breakup triggers just as much, if not more, anxiety. The thought of hurting your partner, disappointing people, or being alone again feels equally unbearable.

You don’t want to lose what you have. You’re afraid of regret, of making the wrong call, of being misunderstood. And because both staying and leaving feel terrifying, you end up doing nothing.

Oddly enough, when you’re just going through the daily motions—texting, spending time together, or avoiding future talk—you feel a strange sense of peace. It’s not joyful, but it’s quiet. Comfortable. Safe. It’s as though staying still is the only way to avoid the emotional storm.

This in-between space—where you can’t move forward or backward—is often where commitment phobia shows up. It’s not about a lack of love or care for your partner, but about being emotionally frozen when faced with lasting decisions.

That fear may come from past trauma, watching unstable relationships growing up, perfectionism, fear of losing your autonomy, or not fully trusting yourself to choose wisely.

The paralysis is real—and it’s not because you’re indecisive or careless. It’s because your nervous system is perceiving both options (commitment and separation) as threats. Until the underlying fear is explored and processed—often with the help of therapy—it can feel impossible to find clarity or peace either way.